Image by Sabine van Erp from Pixabay
The Hidden Cost of Caregiver Burnout: How Stress Impacts People Living with Dementia
Have you ever walked into a room and immediately sensed tension before anyone said a word? You just felt it in the air.
This is exactly what life can feel like for someone living with dementia. As dementia progresses, people shift from cognitive, logical thinking to intuitive, feeling-based processing. They may not be able to understand your words or reasoning anymore, but they can still feel your emotions.
This is why caregiver burnout doesn’t just affect you, it affects them, too.
Maria’s Story: When Calm Changed Everything
Image by Alisa Dyson from Pixabay
Maria had always been the steady one in her marriage. When her husband, John, was diagnosed with dementia, she threw herself into caregiving without hesitation. At first, it seemed manageable. But as the months and years passed, Maria found herself waking up tired, snapping over small things, and dreading the daily routine.
One morning, John spilled his coffee all over the kitchen counter. Maria clenched her fists. “Seriously, John?” she snapped. He looked up at her, confused and startled and then, started to cry.
That moment stopped her cold. She realized it wasn’t the coffee that upset him. It was her.
That day, Maria made a decision. She couldn’t keep pushing through without caring for herself. She needed to find a better way — for both of them.
Why Your Stress Becomes Their Stress
Photo by Kampus Production from Pexels
When we’re burned out, exhausted, overwhelmed, or grieving … it shows. Our body language changes. Our tone sharpens. We move more quickly or roughly than we mean to. Even when we try to hide it, stress radiates.
For someone living with dementia, that stress feels unsafe. They may not know why they suddenly feel afraid, but their intuitive brain says something is wrong. And their protective instincts kick in.
This can look like:
- Resisting care (bathing, dressing, eating, going to the doctor)
- Becoming anxious or clingy or asking the same questions over and over again
- Acting angry, aggressive, or “stubborn”
- Pacing, yelling, or withdrawing
What we often label as “bad behavior” is really a survival response to stress in the environment. Sometimes it’s our own stress.
A Quick Self-Check: Is It Me?
Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko from Pexels
When your person is upset, try pausing to ask yourself:
- Am I the one who’s stressed right now?
- What am I feeling right now? Am I angry, sad, overwhelmed, grieving?
- Could my emotions be feeding theirs?
This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. Once we recognize how connected our emotional states are, we can take steps to help both of us.
Why Self-Care Isn’t Selfish
Photo by Marcus Aurelius from Pexels
Caregivers are often told to “practice self-care.” It’s easy to roll our eyes. How am I supposed to take care of myself when I barely have time to shower?
But self-care isn’t just about bubble baths or vacations. It’s about small, intentional ways to regulate your emotions so you can show up calm and centered.
When you care for yourself, you aren’t just helping you. You’re creating a calmer environment for the person you are caring for and making care tasks easier.
Think of it this way: Your calmness is contagious. So is your anxiety.
A Story About Reactions
Photo by Bryce Carithers from Pexels
When my daughter was little, she looked to me to figure out how to react in new situations. Once, she was playing softball with her friends and slid into home plate. She popped up and looked straight at me. I smiled, raised my arms like an umpire, and called out, “Safe!” She grinned and trotted off.
That’s when I noticed blood running down her leg. She hadn’t even realized she was hurt and because I hadn’t panicked, she didn’t panic either. I calmly walked over, cleaned up the scrape, and we went on with our day.
If I’d gasped or run toward her in alarm, she might have cried or become inconsolable. My reaction shaped hers.
People living with dementia are the same. They watch us, feel us, and mirror our reactions even if they can’t name what’s happening.
Practical Steps to Calm Yourself
Photo by Taryn Elliott from Pexels
When you notice tension rising:
- Pause and breathe. Even three slow breaths in and three slow breaths out can lower your heart rate.
- Step away briefly if it’s safe. A short break can reset your energy.
- Name your feelings. “I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed. I need help.” Acknowledging them helps release them.
- Reframe the moment. Remember: This isn’t personal. They are not doing this on purpose. This is dementia.
- Return with intention. Enter calmly, gently, and with as much kindness as you can muster.
These micro-moments of self-care ripple outward. The calmer you are, the calmer your person living with dementia is likely to be.
Burnout Is a Signal – Not a Failure
Photo by Filipp Romanovski on Unsplash
Feeling burned out doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means your role is heavy and hard and you are human. Burnout is a signal that you need support, rest, or help.
- Ask for backup. Can someone sit with your loved one for an hour so you can rest?
- Connect with community. Support groups (online or in-person) remind you you’re not alone.
- Be honest with your limits. It’s okay to say, “I can’t do this all by myself.”
Seeking support is not weakness, it’s wisdom. That’s what Maria learned, too. Once she started showing herself the same care she gave to John, everything shifted. The resistance, the tension — it softened.
The Gift of Emotional Safety
Image by AndPan614 from Pixabay
When caregivers take care of themselves, something beautiful happens. The person living with dementia feels safer. They’re less likely to resist care, lash out, or withdraw. Daily tasks get easier. And your relationship, beyond the disease, has more room for warmth, even joy.
Caregiving will always have hard days. But remembering this truth can help:
Your calm is their calm. Your peace is their peace.
By tending to your own emotions, you’re not just protecting yourself, you’re protecting the person you love and care for and that’s one of the greatest gifts you can give.
Patty Sherin is the co-founder of ABC Dementia Course & Community, where she helps caregivers navigate dementia with compassion, calm, education and practical strategies.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you’re not alone. At ABC Dementia, we offer tools, training, and community support to help you care with calm and confidence.
Learn more at abcdementia.circle.so/c/start-here